August 11, 2006

Where did she go?????

Okay so i know it has been a while but i have a good excuse.....not one i am excited to share but a good one. i managed to get myself into a heap....BIG heap....of trouble. Master has been gratious enough to not making me share the details. THANK YOU MASTER!! i was on total restriction from anything outside of work and Master. my attention is now refocused and i have learned my lesson. i have been forgiven and we are moving forward.

i recently wrote a private journal to Master on how grateful i am. How lucky i am to have Him in my life. These emotions are hard for me to express sin this public forum, but the feelings are there. Master would ike for me to delve deeper into my emotion here but it is hard.

Now onto more fun....We are gong to a play party. We have made some new friends and have been invited to a party. i am extremely nervous because Master has not decided if He will use at the party or not. He is still thinking.....but i can see the evil grin....i can see the sadist inside Him arising tot he surface. i believe i am in for some public fun. this is the hardest kind of scene for me. i get all nervous and panicky. my mind wonders to all the little things the people around me are talking about. i am so vulnerable and can't keep my focus on Master. Then i can't get into my subspace and i end up acting out. i let my fears take over and totally loose my focus. One time i even screamed/ begging to be released before anything even started. i totally embarrassed Master and now that weighs heavily on me too. i don't want to embarrass public none the less. Master says not to worry that He knows my limits and will only push me to do what He knows i can do. Master says we are going to work on a little focus training.....what ever that may be????

Regardless of my fears i know i am safe with Master. It should be interesting.

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