Feelings

i am feeling down today. i got a nasty email and phone call from a friend. This is a person i have known for about 6 years and we have been the closets of friends ever since we met. We no longer live near eachother and it has taken it toll on our friendship. There just isn't enough time in the day for long phone calls or chats online. i have been sending him emails and a link to my blog so he can keep updated on my life....but that isn't enough for him. How do you tell someone you love and care about that you don't have the time for them like you used to....or like they desire? It is hard because i don't want to loose my friendship but i just can't feel badly every time i can't chat. Then i got this email and phone message from him and he just said hurtful things. i know he is hurting and wanted to make me hurt to but all it did was make me angry....and Master too. Master reads all my emails and listens to all my voicemails, so He knows what my friend said and is pissed. Master told me He was going to call my friend and i know i can't stop Him but i wish He would let me handle it. As a slave do i have that right? Should i be allowed to handle this situation? i suppose not and i should trust that Master will do what is right.....BUT Master has a tendency to be blunt and harsh. i am more sensitive and sweet....or more considerate of my friends feelings. Master could care less if my friend is upset at Him....Ugh.

Now onto an interesting story. One i find to be funny but Master doesn't. The other night we were out at a club and Master got into a fight....(hehehe, makes me giggle just thinking about it) Okay so here is the story.....
i really wanted to go dancing and Master being so kind decided to indulge me and take me out to this club i have been wanting to check out. Master choose this short jean skirt with a black tank top. i was showing some skin but tastefully. When we arrived Master ordered me to fetch a round of drinks before i went out on the dance floor. i danced my way to the bar and while waiting for my drinks i started talking to the guys at the bar. i will admit that i can be a bit flirty but nothing out of control. One of the guys asked me if i wanted to dance. Now Master doesn't dance so i brought Him the drinks and asked if i could dance with this guy. Master said yes. (now there are some rules for me dancing with other men....the number one rule is no touching) This guy did not respect my boundaries at all and had his hands and body all up on me. i told him repeatedly to stop and when he didn't i started to walk away. As i turned to walk away the guy grabbed me and pulled me back. By this point Master was on His way out to the dance floor to rescue me. This guy got all pissed and called me very rude vulgar names. Master is usually great about talking people down but this guy was just an asshole. Basically He got up in Masters face and at one point pushed Him. Master did not like that so He punched Him, and knocked the guy down with one swift punch. The reason i laugh is because Master is not the type of person that would get in a fight like this....usually it takes more to set Master off. i will admit that it is flattering to have Him protect me like that. When we got home i had to nurse Master back to good health and He told me we wouldn't be doing that for a long time. Master also told me that we were going to go over the rules of clubbing......and then He gave that evil eye....the one that makes me feel i am in a wee bit of trouble.

Speaking of trouble do you (as a slave) ever feel like you are always sin trouble? Lately i do and it is making me feel down on myself as a slave. i feel like i have been with Master long enough that i shouldn't be getting myself into this much trouble. Master laughs and says i am being to hard on myself and that being a slave is a constant learning process. i just want Master to be happy with His property and always having to dish out another lesson....Ugh! Like i said i am a bit down today and way off topic. sorry i should probably end this now before i stray to far.

Friends

As usual things have been hectic here. After we have guests it take us a bit to get back into the swing of O/our life....if that even makes any sense. Master is back to His regular schedule for work and i am off and running to school....YEAH!!

i LOVE school!!! i love learning and i am loving the information i am learning. i feel so grateful for this opportunity that Master has given me. Thank You Master!!!

One of my teachers is a good friend of mine....Someone i think of as a best friend now. She has really become an important part of mine and Master life. There is a great connection between the three of us. The reason i bring her up is she has been going threw a time of self awareness and discovery. She is trying to understand her submission and her desires. She has a crazy busy vanilla world and a long distance Dom. Honestly she has made many big adjustments recently to make time in her life for her submission. i am impressed with her determination to not just put her submission on the back burner. i am impressed with her determination to live her deepest desires.

The last few nights i have been spending time talking with her and mostly listening. She thought she was ready to jump back in and give her Dom the commitment He was looking for....but now she is back in thinking mode at her Dom's request. she is questioning everything she had felt strong about a few days ago. she is feeling down and like maybe she choose the wrong path...she is questioning everything she thought she had decided the past weeks. i understand the need to really think things threw but there is a point of overthinking and i feel she is there. Master and i have talked lots about our friend and we would love to take her into our circle. Master loves training and the connection is there between us....but she is smitten with her Dom. Which i understand completely....just wishing for myself...HAHA! i just want to see my friend have all she desires. she has the biggest submissive heart of anyone i have ever met. i know she will find her place in time i just hope time doesn't become the enemy.

Master has put me on a tight leash this past week....well since Addy left. i have been used ever night and in ways i haven't been since training. i am feeling really centered and focused on Master which is a very secure place for me. i just hope my friends finds her center and focus soon. i also hope she know i am here for her as is Master.

Punishment

Master read my post and was NOT happy about me being late this morning. The main reason i was late was because i dilly-dally around when i am alone. i need to learn to train my internal voice to not dilly-dally. Being late is one of Master's biggest dislikes.....thus i am in punishment tonight for my tardiness.

i have to sleep in the attic and then i will face 2 smacks with the cane for each minute i was late.....UGH!!!

Alive and Well

Well it has been a while since my last post and i know i haven't made my three posts a week task....but Master has allowed me to break while Addy was here. I should mention that she stayed three days longer than she was supposed to....AHHHHH! It was a very long visit and of course she was her usual self. i initially thought about writing about all the little shit she pulled or said but figured it would be wasted energy.....so i am glad she is gone and i am moving forward.

School has started and i am loving it!!!! It is a lot of work but the schedule works out perfect. i am gone after Master in the morning and then home before Him....always there to serve:) It is a very long day but i am adjusting. i start by getting up at 5am. i make Master coffee and breakfast then i hope in the shower. After i dry off while running around naked laying out Master's clothes and making sure He has all His needs met before going to work. Master leaves at 6:30 and i leave around 7. i am hone from school at 3:30 so i can get my chores done and start dinner before Master gets home at 6:00.

We have started to slip into a very routine feel around here.....very vanilla. Master has felt it too because i woke up to an email list of tasks for the day:

1) Wear your nipple clamps to and from school.
2) Masturbate inbetween each class but no orgasm
3) Once home i have to put on the leather breast binders and my chastity belt. i can not remove until Master gets home.
4) Kneel in the corner in the attic starting 30 minutes before Master is due home....wait for Him there.

i hope He has some other fun things in store for us....we shall see. i am glad to be back to some normalcy here. It is nice to be Master and me again:) That is the way i like it the best but it isn't my choice. Well i am off to class....a little late i know.

Ex's

Master's ex-girlfriend (Addy) is coming to visit. They dated almost 20 years ago and have been friends ever since. Addy is a Domme but we do not play together. She does not like me because she thinks i am not a good sub for Master....or not a good fit for Him. She actually said that to my face....can you believe that!!

Every time she comes to visit i am on edge and very bitter. i know She will fight me for Master's attention and she will order me around. Master says i am supposed to show Addy the same level of respect i would any other Dom/Domme. UGH!!! That is so frustrating for me because do not like her. Have you ever tried to serve and be nice to someone you dislike? It is horrible!!!

Master has reassured me that He loves me and i am the best sub for Him. It is nice to hear that from Him and it makes me feel good. i know Master would never do anything to hurt me on purpose.....but why do we have to allow this woman in our house? i am not allowed to have contact with my Ex's So why does Master get to? i know the answer to that one but wish it wasn't so.....Grrrrr!!

well i am off to feel sorry for myself.....

Thinking

i have spent the past three nights up in the attic. Sleeping, with my collar chained to the floor....no blankets or pillows. Being alone and having trouble sleeping i have spent lots of time thinking. i HATE sleeping in the attic. It is the one thing i really loath. During my first night thinking i realized that i was bitching and complaining A LOT! (i really hate the attic) Do i really have the right to complain? i mean i am a slave...property of Master. i should be thinking about my submission and how i can grow stronger during these exercises. How i could probably delve much deep er into my submission if i allowed myself to.
These three nights have tested my commitment to Master and He knows it. Usually i will beg and plead for Master to allow me to sleep in His bed. i go to great lengths and usually end up irritating Him. i decided to really focus on my commitment to Him and not verbalize my discomfort. i was going to be Master's slave and do what He asked...not be a brat. (Wow, what a concept...Ugh)

All weekend i have been the devoted, obedient totally subservient slave. the ones you read about in the novels...... i have not verbalized any of my complaints. i have just been grateful to be Master slave. It has been a strange experiment fo me because i really slipped away into a space i have never been before. i got to a point where i didn't think i just acted. It was as if He broke me again but without all the work. It was amazing and scary. i could tell that i shocked Master a few times. Then He started to purposely test me for amusement trying to pull the brat out of me....but i didn't cave. Evil sadist!

This morning Master came to wake me. He took my face in His hands, looked deep into my eyes and said, "this is the slave i always knew was in you lucy." my heart almost stopped.

i am a bit nervous about all this brings to light. i have two more nights in the attic so lots of time to think about it.